Go to your happy place

Her skull on his shoulder, her chin on his chest, her ear some where between,

She looks up and smiles at him, he knows this is the happiest she’s ever been,

When she closes her eyes in times of trouble and goes to her happy place,

His heartbeat is strong as she’s there on his chest, her arms wrapped around his waist.

He starts to slow and picks up a snore, her best friend falls to sleep,

She doesn’t take long to follow his lead and soon they’re both sleeping deep,

Dreams awake her in the form of nightmares,

Dark alleys, robbers, terrifying affairs,

He holds her close as she kicks and she screams,

With him to protect her, she’s not scared of her dreams,

In the morning they wake both a little unsettled,

The disturbance of sleep leaves them dishevelled, 

But still he is the one with her heart and she is the greatest beauty he’s seen,

And together they’re strong, equal, united, he her King, and she his Queen.

Real love isn’t made up of fairy tales, but happily ever afters aren’t just for the books,

Cus I love my man and he loves me and about your opinion, we couldn’t give two fucks.

Six months on

Six months on and I am a little bit more me,

I can walk and talk and laugh and breathe,

Six months on and here I stand,

Without tremour or wobble or crutch in hand,

Six months on and how much change,

The place I was then, now seems so strange,

Six months on and I feel strong,

Tired often, some days are too long,

But six months on and days are what I have,

Days and months and years to laugh,

Six months on from the scare of my life,

I am moving away from that trouble and strife,

Six months on and yes there’s still some residue,

But the more days that passed, the stronger I grew.
Six months on and doctor says “it’s okay,” 

“You can come off your blood thinners today”

Six months on and finally I see,

What happened is not what is all of me,

Six months on since I had my stroke,

Six months on and I can now joke,

I can now joke about the floppy arms,

I now know more about the missed alarms,

The signs that told me of what was to break out,

The alarm bells ringing that I wish I didn’t doubt,

It’s true what they say, you shouldn’t ignore an achey head, 

But at least now I know to listen to what the doctors have said.

Six months on some days it seems like years, others, simply hours,

The stroke taught me to bathe in the sun, but left me scared of when it showers,

I love my life now, possibly more than ever before,

I love to Scout, and to write and to truly explore,

Six months on, and my secrets out, yes, I like a good rhyme,

Six months on and I wonder when would it have been time?

When would it have been time to tell you that I write, 

When would it have been time to fly this little kite,

When would it have been time to stop hiding,

Without being broken, can a glow stick start shining? 

Six months on and life is very different, a lot of things new,

Six months on, some things still the same, that thing being you.

I am so fortunate to have such lovely friends,

Such family and community where hope and love never ends

Six months on and look how far we’ve come,

Six months on the journey not quite done,

But the destination is seen clear

And the goal post seems near

Six months on, and hoping for the best

Six months on, can’t wait for the rest!

I have no idea.

I have no idea how you can say

You love me every hour of every day

You are my whole world and you deserve my love

But me, I’m just a mess, I screw everything up.

I have no idea how you love me so damn much

Or how every day your eyes light up with such,

Such kindness and respect, such admiration just for me,

For all of this and more, I do not feel worthy,

Of course it is mutual, I love you with all my heart,

But I am just graffiti, when you deserve the most beautiful art.

I have no idea, why I am your choice,

Because I often feel I have no voice.

I fail at being healthy and I fail at being me,

I fail at being helpful and I fail at being happy,

Not all my days are like this, I know some days are fun,

But these days are far too often when I wish that there’d be none.

I have no idea how you put up with all my shit,

Your heart, your soul is purely gold, and I dont deserve it

I am clingy and I am weak and you can hold me up, be strong

But you are your own person not just here for me to lean on,

And you have so much potential that I don’t want to bring you down,

But that’s all I feel like I do these days, and now you don’t want to be around,

You still love me sure but now its from a distance, 

I hear “I love you”, but still feel the resistance,

I love you whole heartedly, I just wish I could give you more,

I wish I could be that girl again who you did once adore.

I have no idea who I am or who I can be,

I only know who I’ve been and I don’t like that side of me.

I need to change and move forward, stop dwelling in the past,

But every time I try something new the newness doesn’t last,

So now I’m lost in time and space, for words and for direction,

But I need to try to save myself without your declaration,

I have asked too much of you far more often than I should

And all I can say is I’m sorry, if I could fix that now, I would.

I have no idea when everything seemed to suddenly go so wrong,

But I’m trying hard to get it right, so cross your fingers, it won’t take long.

I have no idea why but you do love me, you fool,

And I’m so lucky that you do because I really freaking love you too.

To my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend

To my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend,

I have never met you, but I feel like I have heard a lot,

I heard you can be kind and caring, you have music skills I never got,

I heard you are intelligent, bubbly and smart

I heard you are determined to finish whatever you may start.

All in all, you sound like you’re a little bit like me,

Maybe in another life our friendship was meant to be,

But in this life, we have been given, that is not so,

I have nothing against you, there’s just something you should know,

I have never met you, but I have seen your moves,

I have bared the consequences of the things you do,

I understand you were hurt, losing your boyfriend of 3 years,

I know that wasn’t easy and you both shed many tears.

I know that you loved him, longer than he loved you,

And although, it must be painful, it’s no excuse for what you do.

 

When he and I became an us, he was no longer yours,

There was no hiding or cheating going on, when you two were fighting wars,

But when he and I became an us, it felt like there were three,

Thanks to you calling four times a day, despite knowing about me,

You texted and you e-mailed begging for him back, whilst I sat silent throughout,

I was hurting and angry, but knew you were too, without a doubt,

So even at a scout camp, I let you scream and I let you shout,

Knowing how much you were hurting him, it was hard to stick that out.

 

Now he and I are solid, as we have been from day one,

I have known about every text and e-mail, including those to his mom.

Now I am not silent, I must say how you are affecting me,

I have never met you, but “kind and caring” is not what I’ve seen,

It doesn’t seem as if you know how your actions are affecting others,

Me, my boyfriend, his mom and his brothers,

No, you have not got to me, I am not jealous, angry or upset,

Just trying to enjoy my relationship, but with you I can’t forget,

I can’t forget I’m not his first love, as he is mine,

I can’t forget that he is doing everything for a second time.

I don’t want him to forget you, and that he will not do,

You are part of him being him, as he is part of you being you,

So, no he hasn’t forgotten you, your memories still in the box under his bed,

I’m happy with that, as that’s part of his life but you need to get out of his head.

You cannot keep accusing him of being to blame for it all,

In any relationship going, there is rise and there is fall,

And yes, he admits he did some wrong, and that he is guilty and sorry for,

But it does take two to battle, and you claim to have not fought the war.

He has given you back your possessions and apoligised sincerely,

Now it’s time you forgave him, to move on and look back dearly,

No more bitterness, cries or fights,

Please let’s just leave it all here tonight.

 

I have never met you, but I can see you made him a better man,

He is smart and strong and kind, and does the best he can,

I thank you for being part of making him the man he is today,

But must ask you kindly, to hold your head high and walk away,

 

Please know, in all honesty, we both want you to move on,

Not for our own sakes, but for you to find joy, love and fun,

This is the last of personal communications, text or email, either way,

We hope we can work together in Scouting soon, or eventually someday.

For now, though, lets allow the dust to settle, and know this is written earnestly,

For all three of us to find our peace, just each done separately.

 

Wishing you all the best in life,

From your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend

New Beginnings

So the end of last year has been and gone,

And we look back, burned from when the sun shone.

Its understating to say 2016 wasnt my year,

But I won’t dismiss it with good riddance or cheer,

This was the year my family count did not decrease,

I am thankful for this, the amount of stars not increased.

This was the year I dressed up and went out 

To kiss a nice boy and fall in love, without doubt,

This was the year I flew to Orkney and back,

Commemorated Jutland in honour of Jack,

This is the year I saw my sister graduate,

I felt pride I have never before felt so great,

This was the year I learned to say goodbye,

To leave those who deceive and those who lie,

This was the year I travelled away on my own,

This is the year I met another heir to the throne,

This is a year I grew confident in writing,

It’s only myself I have been fighting,

This is the year I rediscovered poetry,

This is the year I accepted nerdy me,

This is the year I got through a lot of pain,

Crepitus, a clot and three bleeds in myny brain,

This is the year I sank but you swam,

Without family and friends, I wouldn’t be where I am,

This is a year ended with illness but still “HAPPY NEW YEAR” is shouted out loud,

This is the year for which I will always be proud.

This is the year that spiralled and grew,

Now I’m a person a year ago, we never knew

Now I’m a person, all the better, thanks to you.

We can’t forget that 2016 was piled with fun,

We knew it was a cracker from the moment it begun,

2016 was my year, I guess,

So still I treat it with gracious address,

Thank you 2016 for being my teacher, I am grateful to be moving on,

I am grateful for the chance you’ve given, within you I could have been gone,

Yet I survived and so I wont curse,

Just say thanks and goodbye in yet another short verse.

Goodbye to sixteen and hello to you, seventeen,

Lets not hope for grass to be greener, just be happy with green.

Trapped

Stuck in a washing machine but laid out flat, on reflection maybe its a scanner, but the doors are all closed and I cant feel my toes and my head feels like its been hit with a hammer.  I can see everyone out there, sympathetic eyes, all telling little white lies about how they’re coping just fine, and as their hands touch mine, I see it and I feel it and I know its going on, but I scream and a shout but something’s gone wrong. I open my mouth but the sounds not coming out, somebody has put me on mute, I want to say I see you all but the rooms filling up, one more man in a suit. And my arms are pinned down and I cant move my legs, theres no obstruction there, the message just wont send from my head. “Amy, this is your mom” a nurse explains, as if I don’t recognise the woman by whom I’ve been raised, but I do and I see her and I see the nurse too, if I could only tell you how much I knew, let me out this machine, stop filling it up, I don’t need more liquid, you’re spilling over the cup, please stop telling me what I obviously know, I see all around me, if only I could show. I’m banging on the glass, I want to be heard, I’m screaming and crying, back to scared little girl. You see the tears rolling down my face, you keep telling me I’m in this strange scary place, I can see where we are, its a cruel machine, the sheets are too white and the floors are too clean, this is not home, wheres my teddy, my bed, I know I’m in hospital, I know theres something wrong with my head. I know that you’re worried and I’m just as scared as you, I would love to tell you if only I could move. The glass is clear and you can see through, you can see me and I can see you, the problem is though, you can talk and walk, I on the other hand am like a baby just delivered by stork. I cannot walk or shout or scream, I cannot turn this nightmare to dream. I am in a trap and I can see the way out, but there’s nothing I can do, as it’s strength I’m without. I’m frightened and fighting but just can’t get out, please let me scream, when will someone hear me shout?


Yes, I survived.

Just because I have a smile on my face,

Doesn’t mean I’m in a happy place.

You don’t know of how I wake up each night,

You don’t know of the dreams that give me such a fright,

You don’t know of the panic, the fear or the pain,

Yes, I survived, but how long ’til I’m back there again?

“The world is a scary place” an easy phrase to say, 

But even easier to see when you’ve almost lived your final day.

The nightmares they come, every night at 3 A.M.

I’m scared of falling asleep, and waking up because of them.

Yes, I survived, and I’m glad that I did,

But the nightmares are the scars, my body has hid.

Physically, I suppose, I look absolutely fine,

But there’s far too many thoughts running riot in my mind.

I don’t know what to say when people ask how I am,

When it comes to “healthy” I pass the test but for “happy” I fail the exam.

I’m trying to talk to people, including friends and family,

But its hard to explain how I feel when they don’t feel the same as me.

And, of course, I don’t want them to; I wouldn’t wish anyone to feel this way,

This is a horrible way to feel, and I’m so tired, I need this to end, today.

So I survived a stroke and my physical health is getting there,

But my mental health is worsening, and it requires some extra care.

It is scary to approach someone professional about this feeling,

But I know it is the biggest step in starting my mental healing.